Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize