She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
