I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
