my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
