One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
