I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
