I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
