i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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