dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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