...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize