Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
