My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
