Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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