He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
