Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
