I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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