He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
