my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
