i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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