somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just threw up on my dentist
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
