I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So much rum. So many feels.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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