i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
