so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
