he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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