did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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