god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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