A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
