I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
