and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
