The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
