Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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