saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
