Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
