Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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