OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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