Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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