I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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