I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
