i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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