hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
