I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
