hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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