I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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