eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
