I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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