The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I am available for nakedness
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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