Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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