I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
