Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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