So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize