My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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